Skulduggery Pleasant Kidnapped by Psycho Sorcerers
by Clawdiana
Summary: Valkyrie has been taken by the Unknown Necromancer 'Tyreal Tusks' who plans to use Darquesse to take over the world. Can Skulduggery Save her in time? Will it be another close call with the Apocalypse? Or will Tyreal unleash Darquesses full potential into the world... (Valduggery, Takes place before Last Stand of The Dead Men.)
1. Chapter 1

(I do not own Skulduggery Pleasant or any other character that.. Well. Isn't mine. If I did own them, I would drool all over them and hug them too much.)

Kidnapped By Psycho Sorcerers

"Where's Valkyrie?" Skulduggery Pleasant shouted, making a grab for his gun. The figure in dark robes laughed, a sinister throaty chuckle as Skulduggery's fingertips touched the gun, sending  
>it sliding across the floor and coming to a stop at his feet. "Really, Detective, you have the worst luck today!" The figure announced, he drew his arms up as shadows dragged Skulduggery away<br>from him. "I, am the greatest necromancer to ever live!" He shouted, tone going from amused to serious. "How, DARE you break into my domain in search of one of my..." He trailed off, a malicious  
>grin sweeping across his face. "Little toys." He finished. Skulduggery clicked his fingers to summon a flame, but shadows whipped across his hands, extinguishing any form of a spark.<br>"And you, detective. I've heard of you. It's a shame really, I thought you would entertain me longer." His smile faded and a mocking pout took it's place. "No more witty comments? Nothing?"  
>Skulduggery glanced up from the floor, pinned down by the shadows. "Yes, actually much more 'witty comments' but I'm afraid all of them are about.. Your wife." He finished lamely. The man in robes<br>frowned. "I don't have a wife." Skulduggery tilted his head. "You don't?" Another frown. "Minions!" He suddenly shouted. At his call, twenty or so zombies shuffled out from the darkness.  
>"Bind his powers, take him away and throw him in the dungeon... Right of the one known as, "Valkyrie Cain." The zombies nodded and shambled over to Skulduggery, subdued his powers and tugged him<br>away through the darkness. "Don't worry, Detective, we won't hurt your precious Valkyrie.. Right now." The Man in the dark robes called.  
>Skulduggery grunted as he was thrown against the dungeon wall, the shackles binding his magical abilities. It had been so easy inside his head... Break in, take back Valkyrie, break out.<br>He sighed and stared at the wall, thinking of a way out. That's when the screaming started, Valkyrie's screams.

The figure waltzed into Valkyrie's cell, enjoying every moment of his prisoners fear. "Hello, Valkyrie." He greeted, smiling evilly. "Who .. Who are you? Why did you take me?" She snarled,  
>pulling against her chains. "Ah-ah-ah, don't be so feisty. All will be revealed in time.." His smile widened. "I, am Tyreal Tusks." Valkyrie snorted, "Tyreal Tusks? Tusks? What kind of name is<br>Tusks?" She laughed."I'm going to give you twenty seconds to release me before Skulduggery does it for you!" Tyreal laughed. "I've seen your type." He went on. "Laughing in the face of danger.."  
>His smile dropped. "Let's see you laugh when you're being torn apart by danger." With that he, brought up the dark shadows in the room."Empty threats, dear. Skulduggery is in the room next door,<br>let's give him a scream, shall we ?" Shadows sliced through her protective clothing, cutting deep into her skin. Valkyrie went stiff, but refused to scream. Blood trickled down her sides, soaking  
>her clothes. "Oh dear, did that hurt?" Tyreal mocked. Valkyrie grunted, and started to struggle against the chains again." Tyreal narrowed his eyes. "Ignoring me, are we? Let's see you ignore<br>this!" He shouted, shooting spears of darkness at her, excruciating pain raced through her mind as the spears faded leaving holes near her left shoulder and thigh, she let out a howl of anguish  
>and pain. Tyreal smiled, listening to the sound of her screams. "Valkyrie!" A muffled shout called through the wall. "S-skullduggery!" Came her reply. "Skulduggery! Help he's-" She was cut off by<br>shadows winding themselves up her body. Tyreal held out his hand, and made a grabbing motion. The tendrils of shadow sharpened and squeezed, slowly cutting into her flesh. Valkyrie screamed,  
>the pain everywhere. Tyreal yawned. "Shadows are fun and all... But let's see you fight back." With that, he knocked her unconscious.<p>

Valkyrie's screams echoed in his mind, seemingly taunting him. "Valkyrie.." He whispered. This unknown enemy, of whom they've never even heard of before, had just taken her. And caused so much  
>damage. Skulduggery heard a key in the door, he stood up and got into a battle stance. But instead of the Shadowy man, a woman with a pretty smile entered. "Why, hello there, Mr. Skeleton."<br>She greeted, laughter sparkling in her eyes. Skulduggery stared at her and tilted his head. "Why, hello there. Would you mind helping me? I'm in a bit of a bind. Literally." The woman  
>laughed. It was a pretty laugh. "My oh my! Someone wants to escape, am I right?" She shook her head. "Sorry, but i'm not here to help you do that." Skulduggery sighed. "Figures." He continued to<br>stare at her. "Well then, mind telling me the whole shebang? What's going on here? And why have you taken Valkyrie?" The pretty woman's smile disappeared. "Might as well tell you.." She trailed off.  
>"You are in a... Research facility, we study magic and.. Sometimes the things we do here are.. Frowned upon by the Sanctuary." She laughed halfheartedly. "I, am a sensitive. And have come<br>to study what makes you tick.. Or rather, live." She gazed at him. "May I say, Mr. Skeleton, you are a wonderful...Thing." She sighed dreamily. Skulduggery tilted his head. "Why, thank you."  
>She grinned. "Anyway, I am Felia Finesse." She did a little curtsy. "And you, are probably going to die." Skulduggery nodded enthusiastically. "Wonderful."<p>

Valkyrie awoke in a field. A wonderfully empty field. She groaned and stood up. "Hello? Hello? Anyone?" She began to walk, through the endless field of flowers. Her eyes lost interest  
>in what lay before her, and instead dropped down to her feet. Step. Step. Step. Step... She glanced back up, not knowing how long she had been walking. A person stood on the horizon,<br>dressed in black. Valkyrie began to run towards the person. "Hello! Hey? Hello! You've got to help me! Do you know here I am..?" The closer she got, the more she seemed to recognize the  
>person. It was.. Another Valkyrie? She stopped running, and frowned. The other Valkyrie smiled, shadows whirled around her. Valkyrie gasped. "Darquesse." Darquesse waved, and started walking<br>towards Valkyrie. "H-how did you get .. What? But.. You are me! How..." Darquesse smiled. "Welcome to where I like to call, 'Valkyrie's inside happy place that happens to house myself'"  
>Darquesse announced, the shadows playing with her hair. Valkyrie frowned. "So.. I'm inside my own mind?" Darquesse nodded and then smiled. "Oh, Valkyrie. We're such good friends right? All<br>those times you've let me out to play, then shut me back inside like an untrained pet..I've not forgotten them." She laughed airily. "I've been waiting for an opportunity like this.."  
>She began. The shadows sharpened. "If I kill you here, nothing is stopping me from becoming a whole. You, will fully become me. Or rather, you will be gone forever, not even a tiny voice in<br>the back of my head." Valkyrie took a few steps back. "You ... You wouldn't!" Darquesse laughed. "Oh, but I would!" The shadows pounced, pinning Valkyrie and dragging her towards Darquesse.  
>"Bye-bye Val-val." She cooed. "Sweet dreams." The shadows struck, and everything went black.<p>

Skulduggery lay limp on a sort of operating table strapped down, Felia leaning over him. "My, my!" She gasped, raising a sort of magnifying glass up to her eye. "Magic completely surrounds you!" She  
>laughed, "It's beautiful!" She raised a gloved hand and poked at Skulduggery's collar-bone. The Facade activated, slipping over his skull. Felia almost squealed in delight. "Ohmygosh!"<br>She cried. "These.. Wow, so delicately carved.. These symbols.." Her eyes widened. "Almost as if China Sorrows did them herself!" Skulduggery groaned, "Yes, she did." Felia gasped.  
>"I've always wanted to just, sit down and have a chat with her!... Or just a normal chat with anyone y'know? But they find me a bit annoying.." Skulduggery bristled. "I think I know why.."<br>Felia frowned. "You do?" Skulduggery nodded, still strapped to the table. "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech" He mumbled.  
>Felia tilted her head in confusion. "What?" Skulduggery sighed, "If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive." Felia furrowed her eyebrows, slowly understanding.<br>"You're not really nice, you know that? You've got a bad attitude." "I'll try and be nicer if you try and be smarter. You can start by releasing me." He muttered. Felia's frown turn into a snarl.  
>"Oh yeah? Let's see you make me sound dumb when you can't talk!" And with that, she pulled off his jaw. Skulduggery pulled against his binds in protest, but Felia just laughed. "Not so funny now,<br>are we Mr. Skeleton?" Felia yawned, "Enough chatting, I need to get to work!" She flipped open a notebook and wrote a few notes with a pink feather pen. She raised a knife that was softly glowing.  
>"This," She explained, "Can cut through magic! Like, aura and fancy stuff." She then held up a magnifying glass. "This one let's me see like, the magic that floats around people! Yours is all<br>rainbow and stuff, Tyreal made them both." She nodded to herself. "Yeah, he makes a lot of interesting things, I mean, he has been studying here for like five years." She shrugged, then raised the  
>knife again with one hand. With the other, she held the magnifying glass up to her left eye. The knife lowered and began to cut away at the magic that sustained his existence and life.<br>Skulduggery jerked in pain, every now and then pausing. Felia licked her lips and giggled and quietly sung a song.

"Sometimes life, will give you lemons  
>But lemonade, is not what you make!<br>You get life to give you something better,  
>it's either give or take!"<p>

Hello! This is just something that popped into my head while I was being bored in the Doctor's waiting room! Please, tell me your thoughts on the characters and storyline.  
>(May contain Valduggery, like. The amount that is in peanut butter when the jar says, "May contain Traces of nuts".) Peace! -Clawdiana<p> 


	2. Once More, Shall We?

;~; Another Random Adventure ;~;

Skulduggery Pleasant shot sideways, dodging a stray bullet. The Sanctuary Cleavers' sharp scythes blurred through the air, slicing through the enemy hollow men. Valkyrie Cain dove to the ground  
>next to him, panting. "Oh my god, Skulduggery, I almost got killed out there!" Skulduggery ignored her, and crawled over to a blown up car. The battleground was an empty parking lot, littered<br>with blood and dead.. Uh, stuff. And cars. Did I mention death..? Anyway, Valkyrie crawled over with him. "I almost died." She stated again. Skulduggery peeked over the car, only to get shot at.  
>He whipped off his beloved hat to examine it, as he expected there was a bullet hole through the top. "Dear lord.. Valkyrie. You know what this means, right?" He muttered, just noticing<br>her. Valkyrie narrowed her eyes. "You care more about your hat rather then my almost death?" Skulduggery carefully looked at her. "Yes." He replied flatly. The bullets stopped flying through the  
>air as the sounds of the battle faded. What had he just said to Valkyrie Cain...? Skulduggery placed his hat back on his head, and stood. Valkyrie stood as well, and clenched her jaw.<br>They examined each other. "You wanna go, mate?!" She cried angrily, the internet suddenly inhabiting her mind. skulduggery whipped out his guns, "It would be my pleasure, dear Valkyrie."  
>He announced smoothly. Fletcher then teleported in between them, holding an ice cream. "What's going o-"BANG!... Fletcher had a hole through his head. The ice cream dropped. "OH MY GOD." Skulduggery<br>Cried in anguish, dropping the Guns and dashing to Fletcher's side. Fletcher lay on the ground, hardly breathing."I'm.. So sorry." Skulduggery whispered, shaking his head. Valkyrie frowned.  
>"Why the hell are you worried about him, Skulduggery? I thought you hated him and his stupid hair." Non existent tears were flowing down Skulduggery's cheekbones. In fact, those tears weren't<br>even of major importance. I don't know why I wrote that. China Sorrows suddenly came running towards them, a derped up expression on her face. "HEEYYY GUUYS~!" She shouted sluggishly. Skulduggery  
>shot her. With his hands. Valkyrie giggled. Fletcher teleported away, probably to Antarctica. "I'm.. Really bored." Valkyrie announced. Skulduggery nodded. "Yes." He said. Valkyrie hit his arm<br>softly. "Pfft, you weren't even listening to me." She mocked, grinning. Skulduggery tilted his head. "I always listen to you." Valkyrie frowned. "Then why did you reply, 'yes' to a statement?" The  
>battle slowly began to heat back up around them. Skulduggery shrugged, "Am I not allowed to be different once in a while? Is that such a cri-" He was cut off by a Cleaver grabbing his arms and<br>wrestling them behind his back. "You are under arrest." Valkyrie murmured, slightly amused. "Not fair!" Skulduggery whined, before exploding into a cloud of dust. Marrow. Stuff bones are made of.  
>Uh. Calcium?... Whatever. Fletcher teleported back, uninjured and definitely not dead. "Fletcher?" Valkyrie said, confused. "Why're you wearing pajamas? We're at a party!" She exclaimed.<br>Fletcher licked his renewed ice cream. "Oh." He mumbled, mouth full of ice cream. Valkyrie splayed her hand, and Fletcher's Ice cream floated away from him and into her hand. She bit into it.  
>Then everything went black.<p>

When Valkyrie woke, she was strapped to a table. Per usual. "This tends to happen a lot." She mused, gazing at the buckle around her middle. The horrible creature, Nye, walked into the room.  
>It's face that of a sneer. "I want Ice cream." Valkyrie whispered, her eyes glazing over at Nye's entrance. Nye nodded, and sawed her arm off. A burst of light emanated from the bleeding stump<br>that was Valkyrie's arm... And ice cream appeared. "Yes." She whispered. Then a little louder. "YES, ICE CREAM!" She teleported away suddenly, Fletcher clinging to her and licking her  
>newly formed Ice-Cream Arm. "No, MINE!" She screeched, reeling away from him, stumbling around the apartment where Fletcher had taken them. "My.. My precious.." She hissed, eating her amazing<br>arm some more. Fletcher sobbed on the floor. "So.. That means you're breaking up with me..?" He asked, voice wavering. Valkyrie, crawling around on the apartment roof hissed, then nodded. "Yes.  
>I hereby announce thee, dumped." She laughed maniacally, falling from the roof through the floor and then eventually burning herself to death on the molten core of the Earth.<br>Fletcher nodded at her death, then sniffed the air. "I should.. Summon some spirits." He teleported to an ancient burial ground, brought Skulduggery Pleasant back from the death-Again. Then  
>took him to the worlds best party with all the most famous celebrities. An hour later, they were in a mosh pit with drunk people grinding on them at every angle. "So," Lady GaGa shouted over<br>the music and crowd. "You got dumped? Then watched her fall through the floor to her doom?" Fletcher, dancing alongside her laughed meekly. "Yeah.. I guess this stuff just kinda happens."  
>A note of sadness was in his tone. Lady GaGa nodded. "Just so you know, I'm single.." She said, suggestively. "And, your hair is stupid enough to be in one of my music videos...Plus I like<br>Ice cream, and you seem to have eaten the house's supply of the stuff."  
>Fletcher stopped dancing. His eyes widening. He stared at the floor. "S-she.. She... SHE LIKED ICE CREAM..." He ran away, sobbing and screaming his woes to the world, then tripped on a really<br>short person, skidding his face against the ground causing his immediate death. Skulduggery whistled. "Fletcher, I might leave. Too many people are hitting on my magnificent self." He waltzed  
>out of the house and the whole party stopped. "We should leave too, and follow that guys example." Hollered Jason Derulo. "Yeah. I need to go get my skin whitened." Mumbled Katy Perry.<br>And then everyone left.

China's corpse was still in the Empty parking lot. Along with several Dead Cleavers and dozens of hollow men. "Can someone help me up?" Her dead body called. But of course, due to her being  
>Dead and all, no one answered. Valkyrie's ghost wandered past. "I can help you, China." Valkyrie's ghost said, enticingly. "What's the price, dear..?" China's corpse said warily. Valkyrie's<br>Ghost shrugged. "Let me inhabit your corpse and bring mine back with the locked out powers of my alter ego slash True Name Darquesse." She answered simply. China nodded. "K, u gun d-stroy the  
>world or sum biz?" Valkyrie's ghost nodded. "Yeh, probs."<p>

Skulduggery faced Darquesse, guns aimed for her head, every motion he made was swift and deliberate. Scythes of Darkness were dodged, bullets were fired, and flames thrown. But the victor was  
>apparent. "Skulduggery~ I have a new trick up my sleeve!" Darquesse cooed, flying circles above the ground, dodging his attacks. Skulduggery paused. "Is this trick perhaps bringing Valkyrie<br>back and letting us both walk away together fully intact?" He quizzed. Darquesse laughed. "Ahahaahahahaha, Skulduggery, you kidder! AhahahahAahahaHAHahaha-No." She pouted, then went invisible.  
>Skulduggery cursed, and splayed his gloved hands, sensing where she was, but failing to do so in time. He got swept sideways off his feet, and was pinned by the now visible Darquesse...<p>

"ARRRIIIIIBAAAAA~" Mexican music played, and Darquesses weakness drew Valkyrie back out! Valkyrie danced crazily, giggling with glee, happy to be back. Skulduggery throw a Sombrero at her,  
>shot bursts of fire into the air in time to the music. "No one can stop us now~" The Skeleton man almost purred. As the music made it's way across the globe. "Skulduggery!" Valkyrie squealed,<br>Still dancing madly. "I believe the Bentley was recently fixed.."

The two best friends were dancing on the crumpled Bentley. Skulduggery singing in Mexican, and Valkyrie crying, delirious with happiness. "Hey guys can I joi-" Fletcher said, appearing, also  
>back from the dead. Skulduggery shot him with his hand. The body was gone before it hit the ground. China had eaten it. From her retirement home in France. Valkyrie smiled, dancing madly.<br>Skulduggery danced so hard that his suit caught on fire. Valkyrie licked her elbow.

**o3o ..I might write more of these. But I can't do much more than fighting, **  
><strong>characters licking their own elbows, eating each other, killing each other,<strong>  
><strong>spontaneously bursting, hanging with celebs, Stupid China Sorrows being stupid,<strong>  
><strong>and Fletcher being the only character that I cannot write for shiiii...<strong>

**Love all you peoples, peace! -Clawdiana**


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